Tonight we had our follow up prayer meeting for our Women's retreat. Many women will say they had a moving time and feel so refreshed...hmmm, well that wasn't the case of faith for me. Before I went to the retreat, I felt like there would be a moving of some kind, I just didn't know what. What kind of moving? ?Yo no se?
I wasn't very excited to attend the women's retreat. When I first heard of the gathering, I wasn't sure I was going to go. But, that wasn't in God's plan or the plan of a handful of women, who knew me. At the point of signing up for the retreat, I had no money, No Money! But, the Lord provided. I had 2 women offer to pay my way. I wasn't so comfortable with that, meaning I wasn't humble enough to accept a helping hand. Of coarse my flesh rejected and justified, the out cry of my sisters to support me, but then the church got involve, oh boyeeee....not condemning by any means but, helping and firmly suggesting I go and they would pay for it. #3, my 3rd offer. Okay, okay I submit. I'll go. Coming aside with all my scholarship offers, I had women left and right asking me if I was going? Even women I barely knew were saying things like, I didn't see your name on the list last week but I am glad it is there this week, I was wondering if you were going.
Through all of these checks and balances, I felt there was a purpose for me to go, like the Lord is going to do a great work in me or something. Hmmm...I still wasn't excited. Gosh!
A vision for this retreat came to me at the last prayer meeting we had before we left to be Women of War. I pictured all of us Armored, standing in a front line all together. No one way behind or already in the battle. We were all unified, taking an immovable firm stand against the enemy. Warriors for the Lord. It reminds me of a time at my Uncle's funeral. After the ceremony I stuck with grandmother. I was immovable. My uncle didn't have the most upright friends of this world, so while all of the attendees were saying there condolences to my grams, these interesting friends of my belated uncle's walked up to her as she sat in her wheelchair. I felt her discomfort and lack of wanting to have attention. It was like shoving, over cooked mushy broccoli in a child's face, who doesn't want to eat it. How much of that can be ignored? Again as they approached, I firmly put my hand on her shoulder to let her know, even though she couldn't see me I was there and I wasn't leaving. She raised her hand and put it on mine in acceptance of my strength for her to be obedient. Warriors, taking command and having strength in a God they can't see or most of the time can't feel until they submit and meet at a God chosen point.
I wish I could say during the women's retreat, I fought the good fight and put my hand on the Lords, but I didn't. The weekend was a struggle for me. I had no desire to go or stay. My dear accountability partner/best friend was suppose to drive and be there with me, but wasn't able to go. Bummer. This put up my defenses. When I was there, I wanted to be alone, I was tired, I didn't want to deal with anything or anyone. I fell asleep during the session on Saturday night and actually the whole weekend, my eyes would roll in the back of my head from being exhausted during all the speakers. I was fighting to stay awake. I didn't sleep well at the retreat. I was struggling with sleeping arrangements and scheduling, est. As you can tell pretty much everything was a challenge. Grrr...
Leaving the retreat I felt guilty, I didn't pay for my time there and I felt like I didn't show up to fight. I let Satan have a huge strong hold on me. The spiritual warfare was so thick and present, I wasn't prepared for it. Haha! This is were Satan looses! I was there! From his attempt to totally take me down, I KNOW where my salvation lies. With God and not the god of this world. Yes, my weekend wasn't what most think it should be, but! I walked away with a spirit of knowledge. I learned how I need to prepare more in prayer and actions before I go to battle. I was caught off guard because I didn't listen to the warning signs of my fellow warriors that I was suppose to go and be immovable against my flesh who was rejecting this time of accomplishing wisdom in battle. A type of battle that was new to me. This is were the Lord is so graceful and merciful. My body got nothing but sickness and torment out of the weekend, but my mind and spirit received a gift of realizing. Realizing I was there and I heard everything I needed to hear. I have been able to stand in the gap for the other women who didn't have a moving time, and relate to them and explain to them, that this was our chosen fight and did we win one for God? I have been able to use skills I learned in workshops to motivate others to hold on to faith in the Lord and study his word. I made new friends, realized goals I want to accomplish and so much more. Through my struggle I found revival that I have been waiting for. What felt like fleshly steps back were fighting spiritual jolts forward. Sweet! And I haven't backed down yet. Get behind me Satan, you have no power here. The Lord IS my Savor, life line and stronghold.
